Within days of arriving at YWAM, I received the worst news I've received in my life. If you are my friend and are reading this blog, you know what the Schaeffer family has been going through, and my family's connection with it. Therefore I will keep the details out of this post for their sake, and simply convey what I have learned in my heart through this tragedy.
First, I have learned how to share my grief with others, and how to be open and allow others to help. Being so far removed from anyone who knows the people concerned, I have been literally forced to share my heart's sorrows with those around me. Thankfully I have been blessed by the constant support of my friends. We have all been able to stand together before God in prayer for the Schaeffers. I know that me being here rather than in a more "convenient" place (i.e. HOME) for myself at this time has created a larger prayer circle and taught me how to share my sorrows.
Second, God has taught me compassion. As deep as the grief is that I have felt, God has constantly reminded me that so many more people feel a deeper grief which cannot even be expressed in words, tears, or groanings. God has broken my heart for my friends. God has broken my heart for my own family. Sometimes all I've been able to do is cry from deep within my heart for those at home who are faced constantly with loss. I've learned how to cry for others, rather than just for myself.
Third, I've learned how forgiveness is sometimes a daily choice. There will come times in everyone's life when they will be faced with things they deem unforgivable, or worth the bitterness they feel icing over their heart. Through this time I have had to battle with my own bitterness and indignant heart. After all, I remind myself, Jesus died for the sake of the worst of the worst, for his own murderers. Jesus, the perfect one, in contrast to me, the forgiven thief, how can I be selfish enough not extend to others the same forgiveness?
I can't say that I don't fear going home to face the aftermath of this tragedy in five months,
I can't say that I don't wish I was home sometimes.
I can't say that I always feel complete forgiveness.
I can't say that I always pray or ask for prayer concerning this.
But I can say that God is faithful, and that He has been -and is continuing to-
teach me, comfort me, and weep with me.
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I miss you hans. I am going to do my best to write you a letter, TODAY.
ReplyDeleteHannah,
ReplyDeleteI don't know what is going on in your life, or who it concerns, but seeing your pain just makes me need to let you know that I love you, I care about you, and I know a whole world of people who feel the same way. My heart hurts knowing that you are going through something awful, but it's obvious to me that you are capable of handling it, no matter what it is. You have resources (God, your family, your new family, and your own strength and self-awareness) that are always there for you, to help you cope and to show you how to cope when you need a new way. So even though I am sad for you, I know that whatever this is will only bring you closer to becoming the strong and amazing woman you are already about to be. I hope things get better, soon!
-Alisa
Han,
ReplyDeletethanks for crying with me on the phone, thanks for laughing with me even when things werent funny....at all. thanks for being strong enough for me even in england. i mean thats really strong.
xoxo,
missyou.
susan